Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
