he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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