I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
