all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
