In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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