I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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