Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
