I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
