I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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