Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
