i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
