What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
