She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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