my phone needs a breathalizer
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
pop tarts are not kleenex
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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