My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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