that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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