just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
