OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
