I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
