Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
