I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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