Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
