Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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