I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
