i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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