I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
