i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
