You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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