how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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