What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
