Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
