the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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