My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
