I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
