nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
