True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
