my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
did i walk over a car last night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
