Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
