I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
