Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
