I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
