sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
