I skipped work to stalk him.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
