glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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