well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
