She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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