You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
