so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
