I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
