Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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