Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
