I look better un-naked...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Houston, we have a blender
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
