Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
